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new age pop

November 05, 2003

It seems to me that the pre-teen age group is poorly catered for when it comes to music. Considered too young for ‘serious’ music they are fed on a diet of claptrap manufactured ‘one blonde-two brunette-one black guy’ boy bands and mutton dressed as talent pop princesses. The problem is ingrained in our society, and now so old that these girls (and boys) are growing up still affected, a thirty two year old woman with a Phixx poster on her wall is not a pretty sight. Even rational, well educated adults have a problem with pop. Take the author of pop-humour site popjustice; even below the clever slogans and satire an unrivalled love of pop lurks.
For this reason I have decided to take matters into my own hands, for too long have pre-teens been fobbed off with poor excuses for music; remember for every Justin timberlake there is a Joey Fatone, for every Rachel Stevens an Evil Bradly. My idea lends largely from S Club 8, in that these kids should entertain their own age group. It’s no good an 11 year old getting wet at the idea of a 27 year old man, so all of my groups will be pre-teens themselves. Firstly if Pete Waterman happens to be reading this, HIRE ME – stock, aitken, waterman and Gornell, you’ve got to move with the times old man; and you know I’m right.
Band Proposals for the Pre-teen market share:
1. ‘The Libertweens’ – ok so maybe the name needs a bit of work, but the idea remains the same, 4 ruggedly handsome 12 year old boys with heroin and crack problems sing songs about love whilst wearing a selection of ripped denim and leather. Their songs will include ‘time for cheerios’ (based on the true story of when one of the singers watched the mayday riots on the news whilst eating cheerios), and ‘Horrorfilm’ (about how scary it is to watch horror films). The band will undergo many trials and tribulations in their career, including the time that one of the singers gets grounded for two months after breaking a window (with a football).
2. Of course you can’t satisfy everyone with drug-addled-indie; so the idea for my second group will fill the electroclash pre-teen niche market. The group will be called ‘Kids on Speed’. Based in germany they will played broken down beats and electronica, made on mattel childs keyboards. Their live shows will be a revelation, with free lemon fizz bombs and strawberry tubes for all the fans, and face painting will be mandatory for everyone.

 Posted by Chris at November 5, 2003 02:09 PM |  Category: Spaz

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